DEAD HORSE - Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
However...in government, we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip
2. Changing Riders.
3. Saying things like, "This is the way we've always ridden the horse."
4. Appointing a team to study the horse.
5. Arranging a visit to other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Compare the state of dead horses on today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "this horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a Cost Analysis Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say, "This horse was produced with cost as an independent variable."
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish
My wife and I were having lunch Monday at The Spar in Olympia, and she was reading a Tacoma weekly newspaper. She pointed out an advertisement at the top of one page for a piano tuner.
I asked what his name was. She asked why. I said, "well if his name was "Oppornockity" he'd never have any repeat business."
When she asked why, I said, "because Oppornockity tunes but once".
Sometimes I crack myself up!
I asked what his name was. She asked why. I said, "well if his name was "Oppornockity" he'd never have any repeat business."
When she asked why, I said, "because Oppornockity tunes but once".
Sometimes I crack myself up!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Rush Limbaugh - siding with the terrorists
A startling admission from Rush Limbaugh on his radio show yesterday:
"Folks, do you realize something has happened here that we all agree with the Taliban and Iran about and that is he doesn't deserve the award. Now that's hilarious, that I'm on the same side of something with the Taliban, and that we all are on the same side as the Taliban."Q. What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and a terrorist?
A. 150 lbs, a Viagra prescription in someone else's name, and a cigar.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
I love this cartoon
I found this Saturday morning. What a great response to those folks who say that the proposed public option in health care is bad!
If you don't see the whole thing, click on it.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
George W. Bush - Communist?
Recently, conservatives here in the Pacific NW and elsewhere have been making a big deal out of a song about President Obama sung by some school kids.
Pam Dzama, the resident wrong-wing columnist in my local paper said, "Americans shouldn't idolize or deify their presidents". I wonder if she also advocates ending the President's Day holiday? I wonder if she thinks our state should change its name? I bet not.
One reader of her column compared the event to "the Hitler Youth Camps".
Another reader claimed that "a few radical teachers [are trying] to push their politics on kids."
One reader went way over the top, saying, "B.Hussein is literally worshipped by the blind sheople" and calling the song "O-Worship, indoctrination, brain-washing, mind-numbing SEDUCTION." Wow, what overblown hyperbole. I can just see the spittle flying from his lips as he wrote that.
RNC chairman Michael Steele actually had the nerve to stand up and say, "this is the type of propaganda you would see in Stalin's Russia or Kim Jong Il's North Korea. I never thought the day would come when I'd see it here in America."
I wonder how many of these folks complained about the school kids who sang hosannas to then-president Bush at the White House Easter Egg roll in 2006, praising him for the federal response to Hurricane Katrina?
Notice what also happened at that event. Before the song was sung, the first lady read the assembled children a book ("Will You Be My Friend: A Bunny and Bird Story" by Nancy Tafuri). When she was done reading, the President asked the kids "Did you like this book? Does it tell you about what people can do to help other people, what bird did to help bunny? Be kind to him and give him shelter."
"Give him shelter." There you have it, plain as day: President Bush advocating redistribution of wealth.
Clearly, George W. Bush is a Communist.
Pam Dzama, the resident wrong-wing columnist in my local paper said, "Americans shouldn't idolize or deify their presidents". I wonder if she also advocates ending the President's Day holiday? I wonder if she thinks our state should change its name? I bet not.
One reader of her column compared the event to "the Hitler Youth Camps".
Another reader claimed that "a few radical teachers [are trying] to push their politics on kids."
One reader went way over the top, saying, "B.Hussein is literally worshipped by the blind sheople" and calling the song "O-Worship, indoctrination, brain-washing, mind-numbing SEDUCTION." Wow, what overblown hyperbole. I can just see the spittle flying from his lips as he wrote that.
RNC chairman Michael Steele actually had the nerve to stand up and say, "this is the type of propaganda you would see in Stalin's Russia or Kim Jong Il's North Korea. I never thought the day would come when I'd see it here in America."
I wonder how many of these folks complained about the school kids who sang hosannas to then-president Bush at the White House Easter Egg roll in 2006, praising him for the federal response to Hurricane Katrina?
Notice what also happened at that event. Before the song was sung, the first lady read the assembled children a book ("Will You Be My Friend: A Bunny and Bird Story" by Nancy Tafuri). When she was done reading, the President asked the kids "Did you like this book? Does it tell you about what people can do to help other people, what bird did to help bunny? Be kind to him and give him shelter."
"Give him shelter." There you have it, plain as day: President Bush advocating redistribution of wealth.
Clearly, George W. Bush is a Communist.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Parental divorce
An elderly man in Portland calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back! , and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Easter and they're paying their own airfares."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back! , and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Easter and they're paying their own airfares."
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
A Brit looks at American cable news shows
A British newsman looks at American news media. This is hilarious!
From Charlie Brookers Newswipe.
From Charlie Brookers Newswipe.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Stress relief
At a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology, gave an example of a coping skill for job stress.
When you have had one of those 'Take This Job And Shove It' days, try this:
On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip". Be sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.
Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer, remove the thermometer, and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that says "every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is personally tested."
Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip company."
When you have had one of those 'Take This Job And Shove It' days, try this:
On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip". Be sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.
Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer, remove the thermometer, and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that says "every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is personally tested."
Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip company."
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Saturday Matinee - Swan Lake with Guest Star
A presentation of the "dying swan" from Swan Lake, filmed at a birthday tribute to Prince Charles. Cheer up, duck!
Thursday, March 26, 2009
The best school assignment ever!
Slagsmålsklubben - Sponsored by destiny from Tomas Nilsson on Vimeo.
Thanks to Nino Karotta via Jalopnik.com.
Chicken Philosophy
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD???
Plato: For the greater good.
Aristotle: To fulfill its nature on the other side.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Ronald Reagan: Well,...................
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Mishima: For the beauty of it. The chicken's extension of its sinuous legs sent shivers of a dark despair into the souls not only of the silently watching hens but also the roosters, who felt a sudden sexual desire for their exquisite comrade. The dark courage of the chicken was as beautiful as drops of dew upon jade at midnight, struck by a partial moon, its light filtered through clouds. One of the deeply aroused roosters could stand the intensity of the moment no more and bit off the head of the beautiful, courageous chicken-hero, whose wine blood was deliciously drunken by the road, and he died.
Johnny Cochran: The chicken didn't cross the road. Some chicken-hating, genocidal, lying public official moved the road right under the chicken's feet while he was practicing his golf swing and thinking about his family.
Camus: The chicken's mother had just died. But this did not really upset him, as any number of witnesses can attest. In fact, he crossed just because the sun got in his eyes.
John Sununu (again): I would argue that the chicken never crossed the road at all. That it is a story concocted by the Clinton Administration to distract attention from their failed agriculture policy. Where is the evidence that the chicken crossed the road? Where, Michael?
Michael Kinsley: Oh, John, come on! Everybody knows the chicken crossed the road. What evidence do you need? It's obvious that the chicken crossed the road. Your whole argument is just a smoke and mirror tactic to distract us from the fact that most chickens polled now back the Democratic Party. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, John.
Siskel: I don't know why it crossed the road, but I loved it. Thumbs up!
Ebert: I disagree. The whole thing left the audience wondering; the chicken's crossing the road was never clearly explained and the chicken didn't emote very well. It couldn't even speak English! Thumbs down.
Michael Kinsley: But you both agree it did cross the road, right? See, John. I'm right as usual.
-----------------
Thanks to a fwd from fc@rust.net (Karen Reedstrom)
Plato: For the greater good.
Aristotle: To fulfill its nature on the other side.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Ronald Reagan: Well,...................
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Mishima: For the beauty of it. The chicken's extension of its sinuous legs sent shivers of a dark despair into the souls not only of the silently watching hens but also the roosters, who felt a sudden sexual desire for their exquisite comrade. The dark courage of the chicken was as beautiful as drops of dew upon jade at midnight, struck by a partial moon, its light filtered through clouds. One of the deeply aroused roosters could stand the intensity of the moment no more and bit off the head of the beautiful, courageous chicken-hero, whose wine blood was deliciously drunken by the road, and he died.
Johnny Cochran: The chicken didn't cross the road. Some chicken-hating, genocidal, lying public official moved the road right under the chicken's feet while he was practicing his golf swing and thinking about his family.
Camus: The chicken's mother had just died. But this did not really upset him, as any number of witnesses can attest. In fact, he crossed just because the sun got in his eyes.
John Sununu (again): I would argue that the chicken never crossed the road at all. That it is a story concocted by the Clinton Administration to distract attention from their failed agriculture policy. Where is the evidence that the chicken crossed the road? Where, Michael?
Michael Kinsley: Oh, John, come on! Everybody knows the chicken crossed the road. What evidence do you need? It's obvious that the chicken crossed the road. Your whole argument is just a smoke and mirror tactic to distract us from the fact that most chickens polled now back the Democratic Party. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, John.
Siskel: I don't know why it crossed the road, but I loved it. Thumbs up!
Ebert: I disagree. The whole thing left the audience wondering; the chicken's crossing the road was never clearly explained and the chicken didn't emote very well. It couldn't even speak English! Thumbs down.
Michael Kinsley: But you both agree it did cross the road, right? See, John. I'm right as usual.
-----------------
Thanks to a fwd from fc@rust.net (Karen Reedstrom)
Saturday, March 14, 2009
How corporate policies are established
Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.
Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable. Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.
One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious. But undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.
All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why.
However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.
A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him.
This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.
One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced. Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.
Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable. Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.
One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious. But undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.
All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why.
However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.
A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him.
This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.
One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced. Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
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